The girl woke up that morning, with a dreadful feeling in the pit of her stomach. The all-to-familiar feeling that she dreaded every morning. She wondered if this would be a “Really-FAT” kind of morning, or a “Just-OK” kind of morning. She knows deep inside is her thin version, hiding, and only feels disappointment at what she has become.
Had she binged the night before? She rolled over to her side with a groan. She felt the fullness of her fat belly. She was sluggish and tired, even though she had slept 9 hours straight. It didn’t take long before she saw the proof of last night’s binge!
The half-eaten box of cookies on the night stand! Ugh! How many calories did she consume in those final hours of the night? The relief that came as she ate herself to sleep. Passing out from the dull, numbness of the food had become a decades old habit of hers.
Tripping over the bowl of left over popcorn, and empty ice cream carton as she wiggled past the tiny space between her bed and wall. She doesn’t bother with dishes anymore as it is just as easy to eat straight out of the carton, bag or box.
In the kitchen there was the crumpled empty wrappers of candy, strewn across the noticeably, empty, side of her bed.
Awe, YES! FOOD WAS INDEED HER LOVER!
She was 45 years old now and felt like life had passed her by. No man would be interested in her now. Those days are long over.
She turns on the radio, and hears a song rudely playing…“Good Morning Beautiful, How was Your Night? …. “Mine was beautiful with you by my side.” …. reminding her of her loneliness and ugliness. Every word a reminder, of what she wasn’t.
NO, this song was meant for someone else. Someone who was young, pretty, and thin. Not for her. Never her.
So sad she thought. Feeling sorry for herself. She was good at that, too. But it was true!
Not only was she FAT but she was now OLD, too! No one would, in their right mind, ever say to her, “Good Morning Beautiful!” Especially, now, the morning after a binge. She felt like the ugliest, disgusting woman, ever!
She had been divorced 15 years. There was a time when she was able to maintain her weight at a moderate level. During her single times, she would stay thin enough, long enough to snag a boyfriend. But, only for a while. Because, the FOOD, was always her first love. In the end, the food won! When she was into the food, she was able to shut everything and everyone from her life.
She recalls that when going on a date, she ate so daintily, like a lady. But, after the date, when all alone, at home, she would raid the refrigerator and the cupboards like a madwoman. Sometimes, binging could last for days. She was either “on a diet” or “off a diet”, there was no normal.
With her kids grown now and out of the house, there was no one, left to answer to.
She could eat every last cookie and no one would know! Food was everything. And she was becoming FATTER!
- If only, eating did’t show up on the body, so quickly! She notices that now the weight sticks and stays on her body. Getting it off is tough. It is so hard to lose the weight.
- If only, she never had to face the consequences of her actions!
- If only, she could stuff her feelings anytime she wanted without impunity!
- If only, she never had to step outside and face the people.
It just doesn’t seem fair! After all, she is a good person. Her only vice is that she likes to eat!
Why is it ok for others to like to eat, but not get fat?
Everyday, was the repeat of the last day. “Today, I will stick to my diet. Why can’t I even make it past noon? It seems like the minute I decide to try, that is the moment I begin to sabotage.” She would say to herself.
Today was a day she had to face head-on the consequences of her over-eating. The weight had been compounding lately. She had not been able to string even 2 days of sensible eating together.
She agreed to meet an old friend today for lunch and shopping. She was thinking to herself, “Oh, why did I agree to go? Why did I ever think this time would be different?”
She noticed her puffy face and eyes in her reflection. She looked away in disgust as her bloated body parts all touched and moved together. Her chubby thighs molded together. The folds on her arms feeling as though they were pushing through the seams on her night gown. The belly protruding outward. How did she do this to herself?
She had been out of control with the food for many years now. She had gained the freshman 15 in college and was going up the scale with no end in sight!
She was TOTALLY hopeless and out of control. Every pound was showing up on her body, now. As she looked at every dimple, every roll and her round body and puffed up face, all she could do was cry.
Today was a day she wanted to look forward to. Her friends from college had planned a fun get-together, day, with lunch and shopping.
She told herself she would be thin by then, but instead of losing the 50 lbs, she had gained an additional 20 lbs!
She stared blankly at her closet. As she began thumbing through the many outfits of all different sizes, she began to realize, that there was NOT ONE THING that fit, today.
Even the outfits she had bought a few days before, were already snug and looked hideous on her.
The reality was beginning to sink in! She couldn’t let her friend see her this way. The last time she saw her, she had been on her Weight Watchers Plan, diligently for months, and was looking really good. Her friends raved when they had seen her. They had given her multiple compliments. She felt so good that day. But, today, all she could feel was sheer embarrassment and shame.
She could not face her friends looking like this!
She felt shame as she was thinking of the lies she could tell them in order to get out of meeting them today. She must save her dignity in anyway possible.
She had to get out of this! She was desperate! NO WAY CAN THEY SEE HER LIKE THIS!
She could be sick? But, what if they came to see her anyway? She could lie and said someone died in her family or needed her.
AFTER BEATING IT AROUND, SHE REALIZED THAT SHE JUST DID NOT HAVE THE STRENGTH ANYMORE TO FACE THEM!
She quickly created a story and hurriedly began to text to her friend. Hoping she would believe her.
She wrote that her mother had phoned with some really bad, news that was SO BAD, that she couldn’t tell her over the phone. She must leave this very moment and drive the 3 hours to her house. She assured them that she was going to drive safe and would let them know as soon as she could what was going on. (That would buy her some time to make up another lie to the story). She added she was sorry and would let them know later how it went.
She clicked SEND with a HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF! Once again, she was FREE!
She donned on her XXL sweatpants and XXL t-shirt, got in her car, and drove to the nearest fast food place. Feeling worse than ever, while stuffing her face and drowning out the tears. Once again, promising herself that she would start new tomorrow on her diet and would finally lose that weight FOR GOOD!
While deep inside knowing that tomorrow would never come. Who was she kidding? What was she to do?
In the meantime, the only solutions she had was to go home, lock the door, turn off her phone and EAT HERSELF INTO OBLIVION.
Will Jenny be forever lost in the abyss of weight management or will she find a way out of the darkness.
Future “Jenny Updates” to come soon.
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